I feel empty A hollowed carcass even the worms have abandoned These gracefully decaying bones once served a purpose The beauty and strength that once was reduce to brittle sticks of chalk waiting for their turn to become dust How … Continue reading
This is the poem I wrote in memory of my sister Kirsten, but I hope it touches the hearts of all those who have had to carry the burden of mental illness or suffered the loss of a loved one … Continue reading
When you don’t recognize yourself When all you want to do is sleep When you are drowning in depression There’s a promise I must keep I have been here once before I somehow made it out alive A room without … Continue reading
Locked inside myself again A room of monsters only I can see How do I escape this nightmare? Where can I find the key? I’m caught between two realms A haunting dream, yet wide awake These painful memories of my … Continue reading
Your heart is big and this world is cruel, but you were never meant to carry the weight of the world. Don’t you see it’s pulling you down and you’re drowning in shallow water. Open your eyes and see that … Continue reading
One of the biggest challenges I’ve realized I have through therapy is in order to survive the neglect I experienced as a baby/toddler I had to form two identities. I’m not schizophrenic. I don’t have multiple personalities. I just have a child part of me that was forced to compartmentalize as a more mature and logic part of me developed.
While I should have been cared for by my mother and father, learned to express my feelings, how to effectively communicate .. I had to survive by thinking in the most ration way possible. I had to know to eat, to feed myself and my sister. That we had to sleep. This led me to growing up with a very withdrawn self.
I still don’t express my emotions by smiling or crying very often. When I talk about my feelings it often sounds like a weather report. When I’m logical I know all the wise things to do. Take a walk. Don’t hold a grudge, it only holds you back. Forgiveness is an act that frees you not the other person. You can accept what people do without liking it. You have the power to choose to be happy by changing how you look at the situation etc.
BUT… when I truly feel strongly about something. Usually pain, sadness, anger… I completely switch from being logical to being that toddler. My emotions take over. I’m irrational, impulsive. I was to break things. I don’t know how to express my feelings in words when I am in this state. I act much like a two year old. Mainly because in order to survive I had to repress the ability to feel.
I’ve experienced a lot if trauma in my life (neglect, sexual abuse, abandonment), so Ive existed by just not acknowledging my child-like part that feels everything. Lately Ive experienced more trauma.. Trauma that caused me to see that I do have two parts and that without notice I will switch from one to the other. Other times in order to avoid being emotionally-overwhelmed I’ll just go completely numb. I feel empty inside like I have no parts. No child or logical adult. I just feel an outer-body experience correlated to depersonalization. Nausea, dizziness, confusion, convulsions, numb face, tingling-numb lips, limbs that I feel I can’t move and occasionally I’ll start to feel or see things. I’ll feel bugs crawling on me or see a color move, but there’s nothing really there.
I’ve worked extremely hard to ground myself when my emotional-self starts floating me away. I also try not to fight away my feelings, but embrace them as if I were to embrace the mistreated child that I too have neglected.
I’m on a path that consists of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but also the life-changing therapy… Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I highly recommend: The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook by McKay, Wood and Brantley. This book has saved me in some very heavy and dark times.
After I become more stable I will begin EMDR therapy for my past traumas, which will be very intense but will help rewire those memories and thought-patterns in my brain.
I hope this blog post either brings you some insight or perhaps allows you to know you aren’t alone in this battle. All my love, Cara.
Overwhelmed.
Mind racing.
Forget Formula 1or NASCAR.
This bitch has started spacing.
Perception changing.
Horizon appears curvy.
Can’t stay grounded…
’cause everything’s topsy-turvy.
Complete hysteria.
Voices start emerging.
Panic at the disco.
Then panic keeps on surging.
Mindless riddles.
Perplexing equations.
Got an A in calculus.
Can’t solve for these occasions.
Pretty little pills.
No. A meditation.
Unbridled mind.
Won’t succumb to sedation.
Ticking clock.
Hands moving.
Time passes.
Disposition starts improving.
Eyes flutter.
Delirium receded.
Reality restored.
Until I’m next impeded.
My Life Unscripted 